I am a psychotherapist with almost 50 years of experience. To be a good therapist, one should first address one’s own woundedness. In other words, a good therapist knows how to help you heal because they first have successfully traveled that territory and inner landscape themselves. I personally have addressed old wounds, forgiven myself and those who hurt me, and healed. It is possible.

I also am an experienced meditator and have devoted the last several decades to pursuing a spiritual practice of meditation and mindfulness. Simply said, I am at peace – deep peace.

In light of all this, I was surprised to be personally triggered by recent events. For the first time in decades, I have been restless at night. In my garden, usually a peaceful sanctuary, I have witnessed myself talking out loud in an upset manner, muttering one-sided conversations, using an old tool I used to use to process upsetting events.

I was inappropriately touched by a family “friend” in the early 1960s. My story is unique in that I was able to tell my parents, I was believed, and I was protected; I was blessed with amazing parents. My perpetrator was a millionaire in the 1950s; that was a lot of money in those days. He was a powerful member of the community and a pillar of the church. My story stayed in my family; it was unthinkable that this man would be confronted publicly, or that a 13 year old girl would stand a chance of being believed. Power, money and privilege protected him, not me.

The second man to molest me was my gynecologist; I remember the alcohol on his breath. He, too, was a powerful well respected man in the community, the father of a prep school friend. I was alone in a room with him. The only date I can remember is September 1970. I told no one. And I never went back to him.    

Events that many may consider ‘minor infractions’ have huge consequences on the physical health of victims. The body remembers and carries the pain.

Many people are simply ignorant of the realities of sexual abuse. The mental health profession itself did not address this reality for years. I had excellent professional training at Smith College and major teaching hospitals in Boston; I did my internship in Child Psychiatry at Children’s Hospital in Boston. During that time in 1973, one of my patients disclosed to me she had been sexually abused in her family. I consulted with my supervisor to discuss how to help this patient; little was offered other than support and anecdotes. The mental health profession had not yet ventured into this topic in the 1970s.

It wasn’t until 1988, when the groundbreaking book The Courage to Heal was published, that therapists started to deal with the reality of sex abuse. Seminars, trainings and books about sexual abuse abounded. We now live in a world where sex offender registries, rape crisis centers, and domestic abuse screening questionnaires at every doctor’s visit are the norm. But that wasn’t the case during the years I was abused. Or when Dr. Ford was assaulted. NO one ventured into that topic openly, and if they did, there wasn’t much help, even in the mental health community.

One thing has remained constant since the beginning of exposing this topic: the statistic that one in four women is a victim of sexual abuse. One in four. Think about that and be sensitive. Whether they talk about it or not, you can assume that if you are in a gathering of 10 women, at least two have been victimized. Please be aware that what you say matters, especially in these times.

There is current concern that men are afraid they will be falsely accused. Frankly, I want men to be scared that they will have consequences for actions which involve using women objectively for their own gratification. Women have lived with the consequences of this behavior for years as victims, often suffering in silence. It is only when men fear consequences for sexual assault in all forms that this abusive behavior will stop.

Penelope Ray is an LCSW in private practice in Rockland, Maine.   She received her MSW from Smith College and worked at Massachusetts General Hospital and Children’s Hospital Medical Center in Boston before moving to Maine.