Pilot Distractions

Woman stabs husband with a squirrel after he fails to bring home beer

Thu, 01/23/2014 - 11:30am

Let this be a cautionary tale for every man who fails to bring home his woman beer.

According to U.S. News, a  South Carolina woman was held on a domestic abuse charge after allegedly stabbing her common-law husband with the shards of a ceramic squirrel Christmas Eve because he failed to bring home the beer she requested. According to the police report, her husband came home empty handed because all of the stores were closed. This apparently did not bother him as much as it did her, for he went about making himself a sandwich. She then picked up a ceramic squirrel and broke it over his head. Then stabbed him in the chest with it.

The best nugget from this story is that he went inside, did the man-shrug: “Nope, they didn’t have no Pibbah or nothing” and went into the kitchen to slap together a sandwich. While he was busy putting some mayonnaise on that white bread, a whole lotta crazy was brewing up right behind him. Men, you know that look. That is the look of:

  • You bought the wrong Ben & Jerry’s flavor at Hannaford.
  • You drank directly from the milk container—and left it out on the counter all night.
  • You put the empty ice tray back into the freezer.

He probably never knew what hit him. Or stabbed him. But you can damn well be sure the next time he goes out with a request from his lady, he’s going to be bringing back a rack of Stella Artois.

Kay Stephens can be reached at news@penbaypilot.com