Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy. Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

 Dear Old Guy,

          Good suggestion last week to the guy who wanted to buy a recliner with his girlfriend’s gift certificate. I wish you had been around to give me that advice twenty years ago. I’ve been sleeping in a dog bed for most of my marriage as the result of my bad choice.

          That’s not what I’m writing about though. I am the manager of a small town. Recently there were some rumors going around that upset me… Without going into detail it had to do with the supposed misappropriation of funds and the accusation that I was lining my own pockets. Nothing could be further from the truth. I know I have pissed off a few department heads and think maybe this rumor is payback by one of them. The problem is, in a town like mine, rumor may as well be gospel. How do I quell this stuff before it gets out of hand?

                                                                   Signed, I’m Abe, honest

Dear I’m Abe,

          I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and concede you are being truthful. Is it possible that your wife began this rumor? Did you recently get an expensive squeak toy to keep you company in your doggie bed at night?

          Okay, really, you have a serious problem. I’m not sure what type of town government you manage but I strongly suggest that you begin the process of hiring an outside auditing company to go over the town’s books. Even if the council shoots the plan down, which they won’t if you make a strong case, you will have let it be known that you’re open to scrutiny. That should go along way to quelling any ugly gossip. Finally, if you find out who started the rumors, it should not be beneath you, as in many small towns, to slash the perpetrator’s tires or cut their son-in-law’s traps after they’re set in the spring. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

          I’m a caregiver who oversees several senior clients in their homes. Last week I was in one elder’s house when her teenage grandson came in. He raided the fridge and then as I was sitting there he actually opened his sleeping grandmother’s jewelry box. I almost thought he was going to take something but suspect, because he knew I was watching, he put the stuff back. I know it’s none of my business but I feel it is my business. What would you do?

                                                 Signed, Worried for granny

Dear Worried,

          You have every right to be worried. You should notify your supervisor immediately. If something is stolen guess who the finger could be pointed at… At the same time I would also alert a member of the elderly woman’s family. It’s been my experience that it is not enough to notify one’s boss.

Another thing: I’m guessing that the grandson comes by often. Keep a written record of when he’s there and double lock the doors, if you can, from the inside while you’re working to keep yourself safe. Lastly, hide all medications!

What has me most worried about this grandson was that he raided the refrigerator. Any teen who can find something they would be willing to eat in an old person’s icebox is pretty desperate. No telling what else they are capable of. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

          I’m a 14-year-old girl and have been going to religious schools my whole life. I hate it. I don’t believe in any of the stuff they teach and neither do my parents. They make me go because they think there’s less chance I’ll get into drugs and guys and because my grandmother is willing to keep paying the tuition. I have been begging my mom and dad to let me go to the public high school. How do I convince them to see it my way?

                                        Signed, Cross my heart and hope to die!

Dear Cross,

          I fully understand your parents desire to protect you, but it’s not working. Did you point out to them that under the church in the Middle Ages you would have been married and drinking for a year already? Don’t bother. It won’t work.

Now, I know for a fact that some advice writers would suggest you show your parents their column where mom and pop can read your plea followed by said columnist’s sensitive appeal to them. Well sorry. That doesn’t work either so I’m not going to participate. In fact, make sure they never read what I’m about to suggest or we’ll both be in big trouble. I’m trusting you.

          Young lady, it’s time you saw the light. Not only must you accept the teachings of the Lord but you must help your parents understand how they are sinners every day and in every way. Force them to recite grace with every meal, tell them how God will someday send the producers of their favorite TV shows into the eternal flames of hell. Insist that mom and dad, together, bring you to church on Sundays and, most of all, hide their cigarettes and beer and birth control while pointing out to them the pertinent passages in the good book—

          Be creative. If you handle this right I’d say within a month mom or dad will be meeting with the district superintendent to arrange your school transfer.  Bless you and best wishes! —O.G.