Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy. Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here. 

Dear Old Guy,

I am so angry at my kid’s mother. She is a maddening hypocrite, transparent manipulator, schemer and overall emotional vampire. It’s been 13 years dealing with this horror show. Over the years my kid has picked up her mother’s way of treating me, even though I’m the one that keeps my word, gets stuff done, goes out of my way to accommodate and often pays for her mother’s half of extracurricular expenses though I am never reimbursed as promised.

My kid and I used to be so close and still are at times. All I want is some recognition for my efforts and some peace. Is there anything I can do?

Signed, Trying to be a good dad

Dear Trying,

Boy, do I know the type of woman you’re talking about! All you can do is keep taking your medications and hope to outlive her. As for your kid, he or she may not come to appreciate you in any deeper way for many years to come. Parenting often feels like a thankless job but we do it anyway. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

My husband has been getting his monthly haircut in the same place for the past 30 years. Recently I went with him because we had an appointment immediately after which we had to attend together. While I was there and Roy was getting clipped, I saw, mixed in the stack of magazines, some pretty racy ones. Real Filth. Now I suspect Roy has an ulterior motive for getting his haircut in this place. Frankly I never thought they did a great job to begin with, so now I think he’s been going there for the dirty magazines. How can I influence my husband to switch barbers?

Signed, Thought I was happily married

Dear Thought,

Are you thinking at all? Are you really going to make some magazines which your husband may or may not be interested in, become a hinge pin in your marriage? Leave well enough alone, and if you are jealous then let me tell you what my wife tells me—

Honey, I don’t care where you get your appetite just as long as you come home for supper. —O.G. 

Dear Old Guy,

With spring in the air and trees starting to bloom I thought I could ask your help with a gardening problem. My carefully groomed flowerbeds are just filled with slugs. Big, brown, slimy, slugs. I am so grossed out at this I feel like taking up a different hobby. Is there something I can do to get rid of these ghastly things?

Signed, Slugfest in Maine

Dear Slugfest,

I think praying to Saint Patrick who let the slugs from Ireland,  no wait, that was snakes he led from Ireland. OK, do you play the flute? With the right tune the Pied Piper was able to… oh, pardon me. That was children.

Well then, try this. Place some low dishes filled with beer out in the flower beds and anyplace else that seems to be a problem. For whatever reason slugs love, love, love the taste of beer. They will actually climb into it and drown. For faster results also place a transistor radio amongst next to the beer and tune it to the sports station. There’s no need to wish you luck. This is guaranteed to work. —O.G.