The May Salty Paws is out whether you want it to be or not!
Make sure to consult your local elected official or bartender if your panties are all in a sufficient bunch over this. Otherwise, check it out: https://mailchi.mp/797948287b3c/the-salty-paws-may-7225678
For the longest time I've been using a feature on Mailchimp called "Resend to Non-Openers," thinking it was doing just that. Instead, it pumps out emails to everyone in the free world like it's a Jersey Shore spin-off.
I didn't mean for that to happen. I am sorry for spamming you.
I didn't say I was going to stop doing it. Re-sending the newsletter three times a month with a bizarre supplement mid-month gets pretty good results.
So don't be angry at me. Just ignore/delete those annoying resends. Or just hit the unsubscribe button and miss my next unhinged derailment about Nicholas Cage or Jeff Goldblum.
The move is yours.
WE LOVE HATE MAIL!
Woman in the shop with 3lb Pomeranian in a baby sling with flaky New Age buttons and garlands festooning it: "I only feed MY dog a Raw Diet because kibble is POISON. As a higher-end pet-supply store, you should ONLY offer raw food. It's how dogs would eat in nature."
Our Response: Lady, if I fed my four labs (or 370lbs of dog) a Raw Diet, I'd be bankrupt sooner than all those countries with spiders the size of lawnmowers.
Let's do the simple mathematics:
3lb Pomeranian - 3oz of raw food/day at $1.80/oz = $5.40/day = $162/month
370lbs of Lab - 123oz of raw food a day at $1.80/oz = $222/day = $6,660/month
Thanks for the tip, but what you're saying is that everyone should have small dogs.
And don't give me "It's what they would eat in nature" crap. The fact is that dogs have been domesticated and evolving with humans for 10,000 years. You would be eating raw meat, living in a dark cave, and sleeping with family members if you took the advice you're giving to me.
Don't get me wrong. I've seen the Raw Diet do some really amazing things for dogs that have problems with digestion, are sensitive to certain ingredients, or who lack certain enzymes/gut bacteria to break down certain proteins. I also like to mix my dog's diets up frequently because I think it makes them healthier overall.
But to extrapolate your overbearing, half-baked helicoptering of your precious 3lb pup to the rest of the world is asinine.
~~ Don (Not a Dog)
The Coal Shack
You had your chance last month. We put ALL Treats, Toys, Calendars, and Collars on sale. Hardly any of you had web orders over $10,000.
So this month we're going back to our same old, same old format- 4 pretty specific products you can easily spend $10,000 on at a whack.
If that doesn't work, I'll have to go back to actually writing about the products we have on sale. And you old-timers remember what a horror-show that was, right?
If you haven't joined us here before, this is the part of the newsletter where we highlight our web-only deals for the month. That's right! These specials are available ALL MONTH LONG, and EXCLUSIVELY to you guys - our rabid newsletter-getters! Of course I throw it up on Facebook mid-month. And if you forwarded this to people you know and they bought stuff with the codes, we would have no way of knowing. So have at it!
And remember all you Boothbay Locals - these aren't shop specials. You need to buy them from the website and come in and get them! Or I can mail them to you. Or I can drop them off. Whichever you prefer, just let us know in the "Ordering Instructions" part of your Shopping Cart.
THAT NEW COLLAR and LEASH
Do you people understand that I crafted this design? I personally searched the far corners of the internet for royalty-free clip images to use on this collar. Exactly the same way I did for our previous collar. By the way, our old collars are on sale because we're missing sizes and only have one more leash left. Get them before we sell them to American Pickers for $2.00 and they sell them for $4 billion.
Also, we've got a billion of these and I'm starting to get nervous in a Boothbay Harbor Dog Calendar kind of way.
23.97% OFF NEW BBH DOG COLLARS
Use Coupon Code: SPUTUM
<< Click HERE! >>
FREE REAGAN WITH EVERY $10,000 WEB PURCHASE!
NOT THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S CORPSE
Imagine the horror of finding out you bought $10k worth of stuff from our website in a mind-erasing, liquor-fueled bender.
Then imagine the joy a week later when you open a rather large package and a fully-grown Reagan jumps out, ready for action.
We hired Reagan when she was discarded from a traveling circus for putting too much confectioners sugar on the fried dough. Now it's your turn to support.
Every Reagan comes as a fully-functional reprobate and is guaranteed to drive you nuts if you actually listen to her.
A couple hints if you have $10,000 and are considering getting a Reagan:
1) She can live off food other than ice cream and Cheerios, but she wont like it. She also drinks health shakes that look just Dog-awful.
2) DO NOT feed her after midnight.
3) NEVER ask her for directions.
4) DO NOT purchase if you do not enjoy long, rambling diatribes regarding the latest parental grounding / Reagan-involved police action.
5) Non-refundable, but I will consider a an even trade of the snow tires I still have for my old '85 Ranger that was scrapped approximately 17 years ago and are lying in a cocoon of pine needles in the back yard since then.
6) Not available for in-store purchases.
WEISS WALKIE - ANTI-PULLING LEASH
I put these on sale every spring for the same exact treason I put the Tick Keys on sale every spring: You people buy a whole bunch of them.
This is the best anti-pull device I've ever seen. And it's non-punitive (That means "without punishing" to you dolts out there).
Of course I had one woman in my shop who told me "I don't want to CUT MY DOG IN HALF." I tried to explain to her that it would be easier to cut her dog's head off in a collar than cut her dog in half with a Weiss Walkie given the same pulling force. But she was uninterested in what I had to say because her vacation narrative was much more interesting with me as a nefarious snake oil salesman who wanted to cut her dog in half.
And I know Max in the second picture looks like I'm going to whip him with the leash, but he hardly ever gets whipped any more.
Invented by Maine dog behavioralist Emily Weiss, 100% money-back guarantee, yady yady yad.....
WEISS WALKIE - 32.78% OFF
Use Coupon Code: CUTINHALF
<< Click HERE! >>
Did I ever tell you people the story about how I defended a dumpster I had been sleeping in for over a month from a roving gang of hoboes with a Tick Key? No? That must be because it never happened.
What HAS happened with these little babies is that I've pulled a buttload (formerly a "boatload") of nasty ticks from furry friend and self alike.
And here's a ghastly fact: The Tick Key pulls the tick's head out EVERY SINGLE TIME. And it doesn't squeeze all the lyme juice back into the dog like tweezers.
It's also pretty good at being a flat-head screwdriver when you're in a pinch. And defending yourself against hoboes when sharpened properly.
TICK KEYS NOW $5.00 - INCLUDING SHIPPING
Use Coupon Code: HOBODEFENSE<< Click HERE! >>
The Boothbay Region
MAX'S 14th BIRTHDAY
OUR 10th ANNIVERSARY
SUNDAY, MAY 16th
Max has probably been in more bars and restaurants in Boothbay Harbor than you have in the last 14 years.
I am not joking.
Of course I'm not going to implicate any specific bar or restaurant of breaking health code rules. But I stand behind my assertion. He's a cosmopolitan dog.
We are grateful for Max. He was the first dog Liana and I got when we came back to Maine from the west coast. And Max trained every single dog we got after him. He trained them to sit before meals, not to pilfer the bins in the shop, to walk off leash, and to play bitey-face.
So if you see the old man in the shop, give him a little love. He will still get up and greet everyone who comes in the shop when he's awake.
Thank you Max. Thanks for being such a big part of our lives these 14 years.
2 Random People Who Correctly Identify This Boothbay Region Land Trust Preserve Get A Free Bag Of Bare Bites Challenge
When: All May Long
Where: At Two Salty Dog's World-Famous Website
You see how I changed the title? Instead of the first 2 people, to correctly identify the BRLT preserve, it's 2 RANDOM people who correctly identify the BRLT preserve. That means you can make a guess on the last day of the month and STILL WIN.
And we're going to try this again now that everyone's house-bound and are looking for distractions and free stuff. I'm even going to make it easy on you. I'm going to post a super-easy Preserve.
Don't forget: If you win, yet are unfortunate enough to be "From Away," I will mail you them. Provided you give me your address.
If you're brave enough, email me your guess using: firstname.lastname@example.org and you could be a whole 3oz bag of Bare Bites richer.
Click Here or on the photo above for a high-resolution version.
Max and Aug's Dog Blog
Hello all you whatevers.
Well look who's turn it is at the blog this month- Little Donnie Kingsbury.
I get asked all the time in the shop whether I'm contagious or it's a congenital disease. I get asked if the "NOT RAWHIDE" chews have rawhide. I get asked if Grampa with explosive diarrhea can use my bathroom. I get asked all kinds of things that drive me crazier than a squirrel with syphillis.
That's why I've decided to share with you my most recent interview and intimate thoughts. Also so YOU'LL ALL SHUT UP AND STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS.
So grab a cup of cocoa or fortified wine and click on The Rancid Interview - ABOUT Little Donnie Kingsbury.
See You Next Month!