OUR APRIL NEWSLETTER IS OUT.
It might be easier to read the monthly Two Salty Dog’s Newsletter, The Salty Paws here: https://mailchi.mp/2017ef17088a/the-salty-paws-april-7222957
Or just sign up for it here, dummy. It comes on the 1st of every month: https://us8.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=0e5740287c6b4fe45247c8351&id=315369d469
Whatever.
The Salty Paws April 2021
I have a theory. It's more of postulate, really. But that's only because MIT and Princeton are wasting their time and money with nonsense like quantum dynamics and relativistic gravity.
The Kingsbury Postulate: "Any rock song where the word 'Love' appears as a noun can be modified by substituting the word 'Lunch' with the result being a far funnier song."
Examples:
I Wanna Whole Lotta Lunch - Led Zeppelin
Tainted Lunch - Soft Cell
I Feel Like Making Lunch - Bad Company
What's Lunch Got to Do With It? - Tina Turner
I Want To Know What Lunch Is, and I Want you to Show Me - Foreigner
Crazy Little Thing Called Lunch - Queen
I’d Do Anything For Lunch (But I Won’t Do That) - Meat Loaf
People, this needs to be developed into a full-blown Law of Nature! So start firing off those angry emails and get these MIT eggheads to do something useful instead of making up theoretical particles and trying to appear cool on The Science Channel.
Other business-- My lawyers are making me release the following statement: "I, Don Kingsbury, apologize for sending out the 'Drunk Octopus Wants to Fight You' coat hook email photo in mid-March. It was lame even when it was going around MySpace about 25 years ago. Let us never speak of it again."
WE LOVE HATE MAIL!
Email From Last Month:
I recently purchased an Over-Under Waterproof Dog Collar from your website. I am very happy with the collar. I was very upset that it was drop-shipped from the manufacturer in Florida.
I wanted to support a small business, but I ended up supporting a very cleverly-disguised large business. Needless to say I won't buying (sic) from you again, and I will be telling everyone I know in person and on Social Media of your practices.
-- Joey J. J. Shabadoo Jr.
Our Response:
Dearest Joey,
Thank you for your order! I'm sure you'll find that collar is the finest available. We stand behind our products.
Perhaps you missed my email and phone message where I told you that we were out of the collar you wanted. In those messages I suggested that for me to place an order with Over Under, wait for your collar to be shipped from Florida to Maine where I would put it in another envelope and sent to you in Puckerbutt, Indiana would be a needless waste of your time and my money.
My solution to this prickly conundrum was to have Over Under send the collar directly to you with our heartfelt gratitude.
Alas! It was with a heavy heart that after several days of not hearing from you via email nor phone system, we took it upon ourselves to have your collar drop shipped.
Truthfully, I find it strange that you think a small business can't take advantage of drop shipping. That somehow it breaks the rules or defies your holy intent of supporting small businesses. I submit to you that MORE small businesses should drop ship products. Amazon, Ebay, PetDumb, and all the other multi-billion dollar conglomerates get staggeringly wealthy using the method. I guess small businesses like myself must not be tempted by easy money on their way to sacrosanct bankruptcy.
The irony of this exchange is that if you filed your complaint with one of those giant conglomerates, no one (NO ONE) would read your complaint, much less have taken the time to respond. I take that back. Your response would be a lawyer-crafted auto-generated boilerplate apology email and a 10% off coupon.
In closing, my wife and I choose every single product that goes into our brick and mortar shop and on our website. We are DEFINITELY a small business and we try to make a difference in our community. If we have to choose between your pious, conditional patronage and drop-shipping...
Well. We both know the answer to that.
Dog Bless.
-Don (Not a Dog) Kingsbury
PROUD OWNER
Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitter
The Coal Shack
If you haven't used the Interwebs before, please allow this space to be your sanctuary. Please allow us to help you safely and deftly maneuver your way around the wonderful, beautiful, lawless, and remorseless landscape that is the Interwebs.
First- you should give us all your credit card, drivers license, birth certificate, cute sister, and tattoo information as quickly as possible. Don't delay. Someone else on the Interwebs- like the deposed Energy Minister for Suriname with millions of dollars to give away might get your information ahead of us.
Seriously, buy a bunch of stuff from us and I promise I'll only use your personal information when they shut me off at The Boathouse Bistro for telling Paul how boring soccer is when he won't switch the channel to preseason baseball-- the only thing more boring.
That is my promise.
Boilerplate:
If you haven't joined us here before, this is the part of the newsletter where we highlight our web-only deals for the month. That's right! These specials are available ALL MONTH LONG, and EXCLUSIVELY to you guys - our rabid newsletter-getters! Of course I throw it up on Facebook mid-month. And if you forwarded this to people you know and they bought stuff with the codes, we would have no way of knowing. So have at it!
And remember all you Boothbay Locals - these aren't shop specials. You need to buy them from the website and come in and get them! Or I can mail them to you. Or I can drop them off. Whichever you prefer, just let us know in the "Ordering Instructions" part of your Shopping Cart.
ALL TREATS
THAT'S
RIGHT.
ALL TREATS.
EVERY
SINGLE
ONE.
EVEN THE GROSS ONES.
Do you like how I avoided writing all that copy?
ALL TREATS NOW - 31.8245119% OFF
Use Coupon Code: LUNCHSTINKS
<< CLICK HERE >>
ALL TOYS
Have you just gone through your monthly budget only to find there was no money left to get Fluffy a toy he/she can destroy in about 30 seconds?
Never fear.
In addition to All Treats and All Collars/Leashes being on sale this month, we are also including All Toys so Fluffy can experience that 30 seconds of ecstatic destruction without straining your budget.
Your Fluffy's Needs are a significant part of our whole business philosophy. Fluffy's needs have also creeped into our fringe political beliefs. Read Two Salty Dogs' Complete Political Manifesto Here.
We're absolutely sure you will find our fringe political beliefs intellectually tingling and irresistible in their thoroughness and scope. Our Manifesto is chock-full of furious political, social, and economic thought. And we hope it enlightens you enough to buy Fluffy a toy at a reasonable discount.
Use Coupon Code: WHATABOUTLUNCH
<< Click HERE! >>
STUPID CALENDAR
Since Natashia left us for a "real" job at Bath Iron Works, we've been struggling to sell these calendars.
She used to be so great. And by "great" I mean she would hassle everyone who came through the door about buying one. She would even hassle people who already bought one about buying another. And she wasn't a jerk about it. She was very nice.
She was a great saleswoman.
And Reagan is a great employee when she shows up and takes her medicine as prescribed. But she's hardly a Calendar Jockey.
I am not a salesman. And I only take self-prescribed medicine. However, I AM lazy, and I have over 150 calendars left. I also have no shame. So I will just say the following:
I'm going to drop the price to $3 and hope a bunch of you with well-developed senses of empathy buy a damn calendar. I'm also hoping you psychopaths out there will buy one so I'll stop wasting valuable newsletter space with embarrassing calendar self-flagellation and write more about how everyone except me is stupid.
CALENDARS - NOW $3
No Coupon Code. Just buy a friggin' calendar, will ya?
<< CLICK HERE >>
Hey look! It's the collar we drop-shipped the guy in the "We Love Hate Mail's" preamble! It's the third one down. Don't get all crazy about it. I disabled it long ago because it seemed to be some kind of cyber-gathering point for other weirdos.
And give me a break on these, will you? We're trying to figure out which collars are coming up for renewal and which have been ditched forever. And honestly, the old Boothbay Harbor Collars and Leashes are on their way out. Both the Silver and the Red. They will never be available again.
I guess I talked myself out of relevant topics before I got to the end of the photo.
Does anyone remember "Knights In White Satin" by the Doobie Brothers... er... Moody Blues? Was that a significant song? It sounded significant.
I also liked Pink Floyd because I thought they were significant. In retrospect, I think I loved Pink Floyd for their ability to hotbox an entire stadium.
Actually, I still do like Pink Floyd. But just their early stuff. Also The Doors early stuff.
Free Shipping on ALL Orders Over $75
Sale Ends 4-30-21
Click Here to forward The Salty Paws to a Friend
Sniffin' Around
The Boothbay Region
 The Experience Shelter Project Experience the Shelter from an Animal's Point of View Weekends- April 2021 We've all seen it and it's heartbreaking. Dozens upon dozens of cages with adoptable animals in them. Some of the animals are howling for your attention. Some are dejected and have given up. All are alone and desperate. But not any longer! YOU have the power to uplift the spirits of these forlorn animals! Bond with them as they wait for their Furever Homes! The second you sign over full power of attorney to Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters, you are caged like the other animals. You eat kibble when the animals eat kibble. You poop when they poop. You get walked when volunteers have time. And, like the animals, you are completely naked except for a ratty, hand-me-down collar and possibly a hat that makes you look ridiculous for adoption purposes. For only $350, you experience all these wonderful bonding experiences for an entire weekend and have a tracking microchip installed in case you run away when there's fireworks. Cat people must be under 80lbs and highly pliant to fit in cat cages. Sorry, people cannot bond with shelter horses, guinea pigs, rabbits, or goldfish because of insurance and legal constraints we kinda looked up briefly. Weekend Course - Only $350! Spaces are going fast, so Sign Up Now!
Boothbay Region Land Trust Challenge March 2021 March's Bare Bites Killfest was won by Susan R. and Dennis D. The correct answer was Gregory Preserve. Congratulations! There will be NO Challenge for April. Check Back in May.
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OUR NEW TWO SALTY DOGS PINTEREST SITE! Enjoy Wasting Time in a Whole New Social Media Platform! I reserved a Pinterest page way back in early days of our shop. I tried to get that page going like I got the Facebook page going. Facebook was a success, Pinterest was a disaster. Then I heard the demographic for Pinterest was overwhelmingly highly-educated women between the ages of 30 and 55. I realized I could never crack the Pinterest nut by myself. That's when I let Digital Design Solutions create a Pinterest site that people wouldn't laugh at or circulate as an example of abject failure. So, if you're an obsessive- compulsive, err... highly-educated woman- 30-55 years old, make sure to join our Pinterest page and do whatever Pinterest commands of you. And if you know the slightest bit about Pinterest, please join us there even if you aren't our demographic.
April 5th. We don't know when Teddy Spaghetti's real birthday is. Heck, we don't even know how old he really is. And that's all OK with Ol' Small Head Ted. And it's OK with us. All that really matters is the day we became part of each other's lives. Normally, we'd have a cake and a big party at the shop for him. But times being what they are, we're probably just going to have a doggie cake at the house and a nice walk for afters. We were told by Old Dogs New Digs that he was about nine when we took him two Aprils ago. I think he was closer to ten physically, and 3 mentally. So tip a glass for ol' WunderTed on April 5th. He would for you if he was smart enough or could drink alcohol.
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Max and Aug's Dog Blog
OH DOG! OH DOG! OH DOG! OH DOG! It's HERE! The next installment of Max's Novel- Day of the Dogs 2!!!!!
Some ground rules:
1) If you haven't read the first part of the novel, CLICK HERE.
2) Thou mayest NOT write me (or Max) for the next installment of the Novel. The fact that some of you actually wrote and begged Max to release it is disturbing to me. I'm not sure how much you think a 14-year-old dog can write in four months.
3) You will need to figure out what a "Forbidden Pig" is on your own. Hint: It had to do with missionaries and places like Borneo. Also the Donner Party. Also, the movie "Alive."
4) The two schematics in the novel are NOT TO SCALE and should NEVER be used to invade, rob, stalk, intimidate, or otherwise defile my residence. We don't even have a spiral ham anymore. The schematics DO NOT SHOW the cameras, machine gun nests, minefields, barbed wire, and killer robot bunkers.
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