Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy.

Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Readers, I am on vacation this week… but don’t worry. While I’m gone your questions will be answered by my five-year-old grand niece. Enjoy and I’ll be back again soon.

Dear Five-Year-Old Grand Niece,

Recently my son, Bennie, who is just about your age, caught me in bed with a woman who wasn’t his mommy. He just stood there in the doorway a minute, asked if I had seen his toy truck and when I told him I hadn’t he just turned and left. My big worry now is that he might say something to his mom. I am really over a barrel with this. Should I discuss it in some way with him bringing in my concerns for his mommy’s feelings if he should tell what he saw? Or just keep my fingers crossed and hope it passes?

Signed, Desperate Daddy

Dear Desperate,

Did Bennie find his truck? Did he find it in the house? Did he find it in the car? Did he find it in the garden? Did he find it while you…

The truth is you are a bad bad bad daddy and should run away from home. —D.F.Y.O.G.N.

Dear Five-Year-Old Grand Niece,

I am so glad you are filling in this week. I have a question that is tailor-made for someone young and smart like you. I have a little girl about your age. She has a good mind and a loving heart. The issue is that, though I have tried, she has never learned to share. This has become a real problem because she is going into preschool this fall. Her inability to let others use her things has affected her skill at making friends. Can you think of some kind of crash course in sharing that I could give my daughter so she can have a fresh start?

Signed, Loving Mom

Dear Loving Mom,

I think what you should do is… I think what you should do is… is to send me all your daughter’s toys. Yes send them all to me and make sure they have fresh batteries, too. That will show her. That will show that daughter of yours. And I do believe you are a loving mom and maybe you should come live with us and we could do stuff together. That would be fun. Don’t you think? —D.F.Y.O.G.N.

Dear Five-Year-Old Grand Niece,

I have a pet hamster named Hammy, not his real name. When my mom and dad bought Hammy she was a boy but then had babies. Well, the babies never got to grow up because the mommy who we thought was a daddy ate them. Does that mean the grown up hamster is boy again? I am so confused and the explanation mom gave only made things worse.

Signed, I don’t want a pet anymore.

Dear I don’t want,

It works like this in hamsters and people, too, I think. If you are born a guy you can become a girl if babies come out of you. Then when it’s over you can go back to being a guy but only if you eat your babies. What you saw with Hammy is proof of this. I can prove it too because there was a guy teacher at my daycare and one day he came in looking exactly the same but he was wearing makeup and a dress. No other teachers said anything about it proving this is normal and how this sort of thing happens. I hope I have helped. —D.F.Y.O.G.N.