Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy.

Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

I have a big problem. My wife and I adopted a 6 year-old Doberman six years ago for our 6 year-old daughter. Daemon has been a wonderful pet but it he is now on the verge of his 13th birthday. Well, we didn’t think he would live this long and as it was pointed out by our minister when we got the dog that the animal already has three sixes in his history and if he is allowed to turn 13 that would most likely be an invitation for Satan to visit our home. We don’t want a visit from Satan. Should we put Specter to sleep before the fated 13th birthday? Please don’t suggest adoption because we are moral people and it would be wrong to pass along our problems to an unsuspecting home.

Signed, Troubled pet owners

Dear Troubled,

So, you are worried about the Devil Dog, Hound of Hell, eh? Your problem is a little beyond my area of expertise but I’ll make a suggestion anyway which may help.

First, you should place your child (hopefully you have only reproduced once) with a loving family as far from you as possible. Secondly, after dropping the dog off at a loving kennel for the night, duct tape all the seams on the doors and windows of your home. Finally, invite your minister over for supper and before eating turn on the gas in all your appliances. If you have an attached garage, run the car with the door down, as well. In several hours, when you are all before God, ask him his advice. Now, get busy! —O.G.

 Dear Old Guy,

Can you settle an argument I am having with my boss? I’m 19, hard working and well-groomed and work in a fast food chain. My boss wants me to wear one of those hair net things. I hate what they do to my look and promised I could keep my hair out of the food. My boss refuses to see reason. They didn’t make me wear a hair thing at my last three jobs including a hardware store, a bowling alley and a cat house. I am ready to quit over this but I need the money. How would you tell my boss to get off my case?

Signed, Almost unemployed

Dear Almost,

I think quitting this job is a great idea. How dare the boss tell you what to do? But you must promise me to write again and often. Promise? —O.G.

 Dear Old Guy,

I am a very sexy 65 year-old widow. I am almost embarrassed to ask, but since we both live in Maine I would never forgive myself if I didn’t ask… Are you single and would you like to go out sometime?

Signed, Grandma of desire

Dear Grandma of,

My wife thinks I’m married but I’ll tell you what… You sound much better than her. The fact is I don’t know what drew me to a professional female wrestler in the first place. So here’s what we do. The Lobster Festival is coming up. Meet me by the Ferris wheel opening night at sunset. Wear something red and I will too... —O.G.

Dear Readers, I will be on vacation next week, but don’t worry. While I’m gone your many questions will be answered by my 5 year-old grand niece. Try not to bring up too many potty concerns as this is still something of a delicate subject for her. Enjoy and I’ll be back again soon.