Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy.

Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

My husband loves sailing… and I would like it too but Walter is a regular Captain Bligh. He is always yelling orders, barking commands impatiently. He has yet to actually teach anything in all the years we have been married. It has gotten to the point where I really don’t want to go on the water with him and sometimes wish he would go drown. I have heard from other wives and girlfriends and they all experience the same thing with their partners. What is the solution?

Signed Ready to mutiny!

Dear Ready to mutiny, 

Wow, I bet we could fill this column for the rest of the summer with boating horror stories. Wives please feel free to weigh in.

How do I say this without sounding sexist? If you have talked to Walter about this Bligh syndrome and he still doesn’t get it try giving him a taste of his own medicine. Next time he is fixing the mower bark directions about how to use a screwdriver, pliers, etc., curse at him for not having a socket the right size for the plug. Next day, as he is backing out of the driveway shout left, right, faster, slower and “look out” until he his dizzy with confusion. and/ finally when Walter doesn’t want to go out in the rain to pick up a few groceries, make a disparaging face while calling him weak and feeble while stating emphatically, “a little water never hurt anyone!” If Walter still doesn’t make the connection, divorce him, take the boat and learn how to sail. It can really be quite fun. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

My wife, Wilma, and I want you to settle an argument. She has recently begun a new diet and is forcing our 5-year-old son and I to go along with it. I mean it’s healthy and all, but pretty flavorless. I say the kid and I should not have to suffer along and her food should be separate. She says we eat as a family. Well?

Signed, Che Blande

Dear Che,

Two things come into play here. First, I suggest that if you ever want to have a shot at making another baby then you go along with your wife’s wishes. Secondly, statistically speaking, within a few short months Wilma will give up this diet of her own accord. If you are not supportive she will blame her quitting on you and take it from me, if you live to be 100 you will never hear the end of it.

In the meanwhile there is nothing to keep you and your son from sneaking out and consuming all the crap food you want. After all it’s all about survival! —O.G.

Dear Old Guy, 

My elderly mother refuses to change her diaper regularly. It’s gotten so we can’t take her anywhere because of the smell. Last time we had to deodorize the car and I won’t go into the looks we got when we went to a local restaurant. It was horrible and embarrassing. Is there anything we can do?

Signed, Bad Odor

Dear Bad,

I knew your letter was going to be a challenge the minute I opened the envelope. Whew! Would you mom know the difference if when in a public place you taped a sign to her back. “I don’t smell anything.”

Look, I can thank God I don’t know much about these things. At a guess this is a very embarrassing thing for your mother as well. I am guessing she still lives on her own. I’d say, if you can afford it, bring in a health care professional to help out for an hour or so a day. It may be that your mother would be more receptive to suggestions made by someone other than a loved one. You do love her, yes? —O.G.