Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy. Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

I am a woman in my 50s, living with my aging parents and going to school for nursing. I am living here after leaving a bum of a boyfriend. That was 2,000 miles and two years ago. Though I wish things were different I have not had a man in my life since the last.

About six months ago I heard from an old high school friend, Thomas. We’ve had fun calling and writing, nothing romantic just two friends catching up. Thomas lives about four hours from here but so far there’s been no talk about out getting together for lunch or anything. In the back of my mind I wonder if this old school friend might be a possible mate. I know he dates, though he tells me women usually dump him after a short while. I think maybe it’s because he has low self esteem. I should mention a little more about his situation. A long while ago Thomas married a woman who had two kids. He helped her raise them in a home he provided. Eventually, he found out his wife was cheating on a regular basis and he moved out just before her boys went off to college. Now Thomas and his wife have been separated for nine years, but she still lives in his house for free and he pays rent elsewhere. It seems he has no plans to change his situation. Why is Thomas living this way? I can’t keep from wondering, what if?

Signed, Pondering Thomas

Dear Pondering,

Ever notice how the pondering and ponderous have the same root word? In this instance you would go from some lonely dream state brought about by your current situation to a ponderous hell by being involved with Thomas. So far you’ve been saved by geography… read on—

Why is Thomas living this way, you ask?

Because Thomas is a weenie who is living out a self fulfilling prophecy. How does that work? Pretty basic.

Thomas grew up in a home where love was conditional, if at all. Now he is spending the rest of his life trying to prove to himself he is worthy of love. It follows that the woman he married happened to be looking for a meal ticket just like him. Thomas will never ask her to leave his house because he needs to prove to her and himself, to the point of martyrdom, that he is a nice guy worthy of his wife’s affection. His wife will continue to use him because she is, as my mother used to say, a sack of sh-t.

And you wonder why the women he dates leave him?

It isn’t the broccoli stuck to his tooth, I’ll tell you that. They are smart and the moment these ladies figure out Thomas’ situation they run… and he gets to feel rejected just the way his mommy used to make him feel. So, my advice, if you want to catch up with an old high school buddy, be my guest.

In the meanwhile, focus on your nursing degree so you never find yourself dependent on anyone for support because I have the feeling that this is part of your problem. I know you’ll ignore my advice but at least at your age you won’t have to worry about getting pregnant with this guy. I wish you my best. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

I recently found out that my husband, Barry, of 23 years wants to change genders. What he doesn’t know is that four years before he and I met I changed mine. I don’t think my switch is relevant now and don’t see the need to bring it up. As I see it, we are just as any ordinary couple facing this issue. We have two adopted kids in college and belong to a host of clubs and organizations, and let’s not forget the neighbors we’ll need to explain this to, as well. I sure wish there were someway I could convince Barry that at this point in our lives his change would be very disruptive. What advice would you offer?

Signed, Switched, but not at birth

Dear Switched,

If you are really worried about what people at your country club will think I suggest that you yourself change back… with plastic surgery you can each look like the other, then just trade drivers licenses. Wait a second: There. I’m done shaking my head in dismay and need a moment to calm down.

OK. Stop being so self centered. It’s time to come clean with Barry and help him through his crisis. Personally I don’t understand any of this stuff, but you do. As far as anything else I can add, remember, what’s good for the goose is good for the goose or something like that. —O.G.  

Dear Old Guy,

Can you settle a basic argument for me? My girlfriend, Betty, recently got a sizable gift certificate for her birthday to one of those home furnishing places. She wants to get a new couch and I say we get one of those big recliners. How do we settle this?

Signed, Want’s to recline

Dear Wants

First of all, you have no say in the matter. It was a present to her. Secondly if you ever want to share the couch with Betty, or any piece of furniture again, I heartily suggest you back off. Instead, save your energy for moving the couch across the room five times until Betty decides where to keep it. This is the sort of wisdom that comes with age. —O.G.