Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy. Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

Well, it’s another year gone by. Two friends passed away, a third is in the hospital. And me? Where I used to have a cadre of compadres to call and gossip with and lean on, I now have just me. Last man standing, I’ve heard it called. My kids live far away and when they do call, which is wonderfully often, I don’t want to saddle them with just how lonely life has become. I wrote to that Ann Landers person asking what to do but all I got was a touchy feely kind of response about enjoying each day and going out to make new friends, treat myself to the movies just to get out of the house. I swear, those other advice columnists all they do is tell lonely people to get out, go to a movie, and take in a dinner. What, they must have stocks in the entertainment industry?

The point is, Old Guy, that I’m an old guy, too, and need something to do. Any suggestions?

Signed, So what, it’s New Years

Dear So what,

Most of the movies now are crap, so yeah, I don’t know where Landers gets off giving that silly advice. She tells it to every kind of lonely person. Yeah, nothing cheers up an elderly widower like watching young people kissing between sword fights.

OK, so no touchy-feely stuff. Here’s my advice — Clean your damn basement! When that’s done empty your closets then toss out all the accumulated junk in every drawer in the house. Nothing cheers the soul more than getting rid of things. Besides, if you are, as old as I think you are, there isn’t much time left. Your kids won’t want your collection and by trashing it now before you die you might well save yourself their finding some pretty embarrassing mementos. I’m quite serious. That should take you a good part of 2015. Now, if you get it done sooner, write me back and I’ll give you my address and we’ll get you started on my house. Good luck. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

My resolution for the New Year was to give up men. I’m 32 and just sick and tired of waiting for the right one to come along. I’m attractive and give freely of myself but it seems that all the guys I date either don’t earn enough or, if they do, they don’t seem generous. Other than that I’m not particular. Do you think I should give up men or do you think there is hope yet?

Signed, Queen of nothing, yet

Dear Queen,

On behalf of men everywhere I have to thank you for giving up on us. You’re right. We are not good enough and I can’t think of one single guy who deserves you.... We’ll actually I can but I understand Charles Manson recently became engaged.

Now listen, I’m not being snide. Seems like you should be alone for a while and take the time to figure out what you really find important in a partner. And if by chance you get lonely during this hiatus may I suggest you take in dinner and a movie. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

What would you recommend I do as something special for my boss’s birthday? I work in an office and the other girls think we should chip in and get him something but I think I want to get him something extra. Mr. Marley is a widowed dad who likes camping and hiking. And I know for a fact, because he spends so much time between work and caring for his six-year-old twins, that he hardly has any time to do the stuff he likes. Any idea’s for a gift?

                                                        Signed, Just want to help

Dear Just want,

It doesn’t take a magnifying glass to read between your lines. What you are really wondering is— is there something I can do at work to make me stand out to the boss who I have an incredible crush on and who has yet to notice me as a woman. I have to be careful because if it backfires the women I work with will backstab me and things will become exceptionally awkward with my boss. Did I get that right? Yes? No problem but it’s a little tricky… are you ready to use your feminine wiles?

First, you have to chip in for your share for the aftershave or necktie or whatever your coworkers are planning to buy. It’s only fair. Next, make up a little gift certificate offering a free day of babysitting so your boss can use a Saturday or Sunday to take a nice long hike. It will be hard but keep the offer on the up and up and not with a wink and a nod.

Now, what that will do is allow you to get close to the boss’s family because I’m sure he’ll ask you to babysit again and over time he will come to depend on you. Eventually Mr. Marley will come home one day to find you in the kitchen and you will discover that he has been taking his hikes with some other woman. That’s when you make your move and throw his kids’ bunny in a pot of boiling water for him to find…

OK, so I guess what I meant to say is, don’t hit on your boss. Bad idea. Good jobs are harder to find than boyfriends. Just my advice. —O.G.