Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy. Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

Here’s one for the holidays. Back when I was in high school I had a crush on this girl, Emma, who would not give me the time of day. Fast forward to this Thanksgiving and I am married with two kids and a third on the way.

Recently, I ran into Emma at the grocery. I hadn’t seen her in like 10 years and even then she ignored me. Anyway, this time she stopped and began a conversation. We had a wonderful talk, then as we said goodbye she handed me her card and said to give her a call.

Old Guy, do you believe in fate? Is it possible that my time has come to be with the girl who was in my dreams so long ago? I have kept up face at home, I love my kids and even my wife, but I want to spend Christmas and the rest of my life with Emma.

Signed, Romance Guy

Dear Romance Guy,

You have, what we in the Professional Advice Columnist’s Union call a serious case of being a dope.

How dare you even consider giving this Emma a call!

First of all, my guess is she’s run out of men to use so don’t feel too flattered just because the rest of the male race has caught on to her and she’s feeling lonely and needs a date for New Year’s. Trust me, as soon as Emma is in remission from her Seasonal Affective Disorder you’ll be gone with the rest of her trash. Yes, I do believe in fate and if you follow the path you are thinking of, yours is quite certain. Now leave me alone, I’m not talking to you. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

A couple of weeks ago you answered a woman who wanted to know why there were so many worms on the sidewalk when it rains. The answer you gave seemed fantastic and I believe you… the problem is my sister. She says you make stuff up and that your letters aren’t even real. Is that true Dear Old Guy?

Signed, I want to believe

Dear I want,

I guess you need to ask yourself if you are real. After all, if you think about it, you wrote to me. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

I know you are probably besieged with letters about family this time of year. Can you stand another? My situation is that every Christmas we go over to my husband’s mother’s house; in other words, my mother in law’s.

There’s usually a good crowd and I like most everyone. Most everyone that is except for my mother is law’s husband, Tony.

I try to be polite because he is my husband’s stepdad, but always at some point during the meal he manages to bring up a fresh crop of racist jokes… and trust me, if there is anyone who has no right to be calling others dumb it’s Tony. The rest of the family at the table sit and take it but I can tell everyone is uncomfortable. I want to say something. Any ideas what that should be?

Signed, Sick of it

Dear Sick of it,

Years ago I was at a Christmas diner with a Tony type. It’s remarkable how everyone listened nervously to his tasteless stories and riddles, smiled politely… and looked to each other under lowered lids wishing the assault would end.

Well, you know me. Couldn’t keep my mouth shut, even when I was 24 and a newcomer to my girlfriend’s family. It was about the time Tony was telling his fourth joke involving the proverbial dumb guy and a light bulb when I decided to offer Tony a riddle of my own. I called to the head of the table:

—Hey, Tony! I got one. What’s black and blue and lays face down in the river?

—I dunno know. What?

—A guy who tells too many Polish jokes. Watch it!

My joke was a big hit with the family and Tony shut up for the rest of the night. Have a good holiday, —O.G.