Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy. Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

Do you believe that we are here to live out our lives in a practical, sensible manner?

Signed, Unsigned

Dear Unsigned,

 I would have to say that in almost a year of writing this column your question is the first requiring me to give a thoughtful philosophical answer. Let’s face it, yes, I do subscribe to certain philosophies that are my basis for advising people not to cheat on a spouse or use mouse traps to catch their kid’s hand in the cookie jar. In short, I share with readers a practical, day-to-day philosophy that helps guide lives and otherwise make me a pain in some people’s behinds.

What you are asking me is one of those high-end, big-picture questions; fun to ponder but whose answer, if discovered, doesn’t really help life much.

Another way to put it would be like your asking a physicist to change a car tire, which, though he understands the process, can’t execute because he has no practical experience; likewise, asking your mechanic to explain the time-space continuum and though he hasn’t a clue, he is too busy changing your tire to contemplate. So with that in mind, remember that I am like your mechanic who just so happens to have a few minutes to spare.

You asked, do you believe that we are here to live out our lives in a practical, sensible manner?

I would have to say no. Why is that? Because to say yes to your question would be my agreeing that there is a higher power that expects us to be practical and sensible and from what I have seen of religion’s concepts of what God might be, he or she is not notably practical or sensible himself or herself. I’ll let you ruminate on that a while.

I’ll tell you what though: Since we are here living out our lives, be it for a greater purpose or not, do whatever makes you happy while doing as little harm to the world as is practical and sensible. Anyone else out there have any thoughts on the subject? —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

Several weeks ago you wrote a letter to a woman. Her question was about buying her 10-year-old daughter contact lenses so her kid’s eyes could be blue. I just want to disagree with your answer. I’m no optometrist but I don’t think any minor child should wear a medical device just for the sake of vanity. Children’s eyes are beautiful no matter what the color and this mother should accept and love her daughter for all the things that make her special. So, will you reconsider your answer?

Signed, Loves kids

Dear Loves kids,

I think you are confusing me with that other advice columnist. But as far as blue lenses go and all that sort of stuff, nothing makes a person waste more time on nothing than being a total slave to vanity. Hours to get out of the house in the morning, preening just so they can go out and get some milk at the grocery, treating a trip to the post office like they were prepared for the debutant ball; very few things bring me as much joy in life as seeing someone like that walking along with toilet paper stuck to their shoe; but as I said, the letter you refer to wasn’t to me. —O.G.

P.S. I would like to apologize to my wife who looks great all the time. Dear, I was not lumping you in with all those other vain folk. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

My snoopy kid sister recently found something in my room that I’m not supposed to have. She found it while I was at school and she was home sick from third grade. Now she is threatening to tell our parents if I don’t pay her half my allowance every week forever. What should I do?

Signed, Hate my sister

Dear Hate my,

There is only one thing you can do. Pay up. OK, I don’t know how much your allowance is but I might suggest that rather than giving your sister weekly payouts you offer her a lump sum instead, kind of like they do in the lottery. My guess is she’ll go for the second option. That’s when you keep half the money telling her it’s for taxes and that the law requires you to do so, and that if she doesn’t pay her taxes she could go to jail!

But this is really important! Before you settle accounts with sis get whatever it is that is not supposed to be in your room the heck out of there. It’s possible that by comparison to the trouble this something could cause you, you are getting off cheap. Good luck, kid. —O.G.