Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy. Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

Approximately eight weeks ago my daughter, Arleen, competed in a statewide music competition. Proudly she took third place. Each kid was supposed to receive their scorecard with the judge’s critiques so they could improve their performances. Well, because of a mix-up, Arleen’s packet was given to the wrong school. We sent emails and made calls to the teacher in charge of that school’s program with no success.

Finally, about 10 days ago, the teacher sent an email saying she couldn’t figure out how to get us the scorecard, and asked me to send her a text so she could take a picture of the critique and send it to us. Excuse me?

Well I did as the lady asked but also recommended she try using a stamp, an envelope and the post office. After nine days without word, I tried contacting her again by every means possible, stopping short of what could be called harassment. Finally, I received an apology, explaining she was directing a school show, was very busy, but she would soon get around to sending me a text with the picture of my daughter’s scorecard.

I wrote back telling the teacher that everybody is busy and found it remarkable that in all this time she couldn’t figure out how to put a letter in the mail. After another day went by I finally decided I had had enough and after many attempts reached her by phone. When the teacher answered I asked why it was so hard to put stamp on an envelope, she had our address for almost eight weeks. Her response was to say, ‘I don’t have money to buy a stamp, I am about to have my electricity cut off and I found out yesterday my daughter has cancer.’

She went on to say that a friend was coming over with a scanner and she would email me a copy of the critique!

Is it my imagination or is this lady just a bull artist. I really want to drive the two hours and confront her. What do you recommend?

Signed, Frustrated beyond belief

Dear Frustrated,

I can see why you want to go down there and rip this lady’s throat out. Clearly she has a problem with responsibility and truthfulness. But violence is not the answer. No. here’s what I would do in your shoes: Drive to her home with a paper bag full of dog poop. Put it by her front door, give it a light then ring the bell and run to hide. When the lady answers the door she’ll see the fire and stomp it out. Trust me, the result is more satisfying than you can imagine.

Alternatively you could offer to send her a self addressed stamped envelope. To my mind, either way will bring you some kind of satisfaction. —O.G. 

Dear Old Guy,

Summer is here and I need a fast way to lose five pounds before my first trip to the beach. I just tried on my bikini and well, things aren’t as they should be. Is there some trick you know of to help me?

Signed, A little too much

Dear A little,

The only thing that comes to mind is based on my own experience. Do you have access to a small, two-seat Cessna and a stunt pilot? —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

My husband Bernard insists on walking around the house naked. Our twins are now three and I think it’s becoming inappropriate, but every time I ask him to stop his answer is, they do it. He’s a good husband in every other way. Help?

Signed, No nudist is good nudist

Dear No nudist,

You get the prize for best alias! Now, listen to me, you didn’t have a problem with this before so why now? But OK. It’s time to go around the house and remove all the curtains and shades. If that doesn’t do it, try a squirt gun filled with ice water. And if that doesn’t work write back privately and I’ll tell about an old army trick involving a 12 volt battery and a length of wire. Best to you and thanks for writing. —O.G.