Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy.

Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

About a week ago my 30 year old brother Sam announced to the family that he was leaving the country to meet a woman from Armenia whom he found through a dating service. They have only known each other a month and I am trying to tell him it’s a scam but he is convinced it’s true love and plans to marry Tosha and bring her back to his ranch in Vermont.

Old Guy, How does the family get through to Sam? How do I convince him that this sham marriage will not bring him happiness and in fact will mostly likely cause him pain in the very near future.

Signed, Barnie the brother

Dear Barnie,

Of course it’s a sham, a scam, a phony baloney. What you have not factored in is the allure of women from Armenia. Let me tell you. When I was stationed overseas there was this one little… well, suffice it to say that a man, especially a lonely one, especially one like Sam on a farm and in Vermont at that, well, he’s going to risk everything for an Armenian bride and rightfully so.

But you say you and your family are concerned about Sam and what appears like a rash choice on his part. So here’s what you do. First thing is your mother needs to fake a medical emergency. It could be anything, heart trouble, broken hip, unplanned rhinoplasty, something to keep her devoted son tethered close to home for a about a month.

Now this is where it get’s tricky. While Sam is being a good son and helping out with his family you have to sign up for armenianbrides.com (don’t ask how I know the website) and find this Tosha and court her. Let her know what a catch you are and how much money you have. Trust me, in a week she will call it off with Sam and be standing on the tarmac by the Air-Menia terminal for your plane to land; of course your not actually going to fly over there but on the off chance you do ask her if her mom remembers an adorable double-chinned air corpsman nicknamed Jolly. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

I’m 17. My dad runs a septic truck as his business. I work for him part time but next week I have a really big date and rather than help my dad I want to get ready. I mean I can’t show up all stinky for Barbarella or she’ll never go out with me again. How do I convince my dad to let me off the hook this one time? Thanks Dear Old Guy!

Signed, Poop Pumper

Dear Pooper,

You are not going to like what I tell you. It is more impressive to the rest of the world and maybe even this Barbarella that you prove yourself reliable and not leave your father hanging. Of course you should ask your father’s permission for time off but if he says no then that’s your answer. Anyway, this is your life for the time being and it’s best this date of your’s knows the real you. Now here’s a hint. Go to the nearest barbershop and get yourself something called Lilac Vegetal. Just before you pick up Barbarella on Friday, splash that green, saucy liquid liberally about your head and face. I’ve been doing it for years. Trust me when I tell you, every place I go woman want to know where that smell is coming from. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

I’m another old guy. Call me a curmudgeon but now that school has started Halloween isn’t far behind. I live on a road in my town that has become the unofficial Trick or Treat Capitol of the whole region. For weeks leading up to it everyone on Oyster Street puts up all the paraphernalia with the cardboard pumpkins, fake tombs, smoke machines and all that cr-p. Then comes the big night and from the time school lets out until well past dark there is an endless parade of kids marching and yelling and knocking and yelling trick or treat. And I am supposed to supply candy. Candy! I’m a diabetic and can’t even keep the stuff in the house. I like my home but this damned holiday makes me want to move. We’re the same generation. What do you do?

Signed No Tricks or Treats!

Dear No Tricks,

Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts… don’t I wish. You, sir are a spoiler! If you don’t want to participate in Halloween I suggest you check into a hospice for the night. —O.G.