Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy. Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

I have to share a note to myself. Never, absolutely ever, under any circumstances should I call my stunningly beautiful wife by her lovely mom's name ever again. Any suggestions for getting out of the doghouse once one’s big mouth puts one there?

Signed, I Mucked Up

Dear I Mucked,

           Will you ever learn? How have you gotten yourself out of the doghouse in the past?

My technique came from the study of actual canines. Mucked, next time you are alone with a mirror, practice making the most pathetic expressions you can. Try whimpering as well but don’t combine the two until both are separately well rehearsed or it won’t come out on key. That’s the way musicians do it to get their performances perfect. Always vocal separately from the instrumental. Now, Stanislavsky, in his book on method acting, discusses going to the animal shelter and living amongst the dogs. In fact it was after losing a fight with his wife that the famous actor first learned of this trick which later became the basis for his book.

As a footnote, the last time I went to the pound to study I ended up bring home a puppy. Though my wife allowed me back in the house, every time the dog messed I was the one hit with a rolled-up newspaper. You can’t win. —O.G. 

Dear Old Guy,

           My kid sister, Alice, is always going through my stuff. I’m 34 now with a family of my own and she’s 29 and still she does this when she visits. Everything from the icebox to the medicine cabinet. Nothing is ever missing but she thinks I don’t know she’s snooping. It’s been an ongoing invasion of privacy ever since Alice was able to walk. How do I make it stop?

                                                                            Signed, Alice doesn’t live here

Dear Alice doesn’t,

           Oh boy! A problem I can solve! Do you think that anyone who didn’t have to look in Jeffery Dahmer’s refrigerator a second time did so? I think not! Now I don’t expect you to start putting human body parts in home appliances as a deterrent to snoops, but there is something you can do. It certainly kept me from looking in my neighbor’s medicine chest the second time they asked me to housesit their cats.

           The answer is to precariously perch a large bag of marbles behind the cabinet doors. I think you can imagine the clamor when Alice opens something she is not supposed to. She will certainly get the message and it won’t require a word from you. Now, you can also get a realistic looking severed human head from either, one of those prop shops, or possibly the local medical college. Try that on a plate with garnish to the top shelf of the fridge. Please take pictures and send them to me! —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

           I have to disagree with the advice you gave to that lady. She was right to do those things and you didn’t have any business telling her otherwise. Not everyone thinks that when that sort of thing happens that your suggested response is appropriate. I know your heart is in the right place but no way if she followed your suggestion would she have gotten the result she wanted. In fact I think just the opposite. You probably won’t print my letter but if you do, I want the woman to know that just sometimes, doing nothing is better than doing something.

                                  Signed, Had to speak out.

Dear Had to,

           I don’t think you could have been any more vague. That said, I enjoyed your passion and so printed your letter. If you should decide to write this column again, might I ask you to give me a little more background on who and what you are talking about and maybe even how I replied? I get hundreds of letters every day and the space in my elder brain is somewhat limited. Thanks, —O.G,